She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
