I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
