DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
