I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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