I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
