dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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