So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
