Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
