its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I am one with the molecules
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
