I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
