Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
