apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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