I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
