I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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