Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
