Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
