The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
