my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
