"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
