never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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