my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
