Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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