Betty ford says i'm here all night
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I lost the right to judge tonight
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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