He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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