i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
