I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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