There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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