the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
