I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
