Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
