I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
not ubering you a puppy
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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