We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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