you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
