I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
