Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You pole danced in your parka.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
