Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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