Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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