Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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