Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
