Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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