I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
