She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
