i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
