Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
