So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
