The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
