Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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