I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
