I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
