remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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